The Dairy of Doctor Bong

What really gets me down?

In the popular comics of Asterix and Obelix, Asterix is often heard to say that "This really gets me down, by Toutatis!" When someone is getting down
Ahem.
When something gets someone down it must mean that he is irritated or frustrated.

What really gets Dear Dr. Bong down is the presence of those stickers on public places and OUTSIDE MY DOOR.

You know, those stickers advertising the services of locksmiths, house rentals and so on. I spotted 7 of them at the MRT station near my house already. Something really must be done about them, to make them regret their action.

The only good thing is that they have to give you their number so you can "contact" them. This brings to mind several excellent "Bong Plots" (patent pending.)

I am sure others have this problem. Feel free to use any of my "Bong Plots" to deal with them as neccessary as befitting these VANDALISERS.

If you wish to avoid any consequences that might arise: If you call them using your mobile or house phone, there is always a risk that they will call back and constantly irritate you by sending fake SMSes or otherwise.. Or call and hang up the moment you pick up. By using a 10 cent pay phone you can avoid any consequences.

Arranged in order of cruelty.

0: Berate them on online forums or write in to Straits Times.

(A very, VERY soft option by the International Bong Standard.)


1: Call 999, because that is legally speaking, an act of vandalism.

(Not cruel enough.)

2: Call them as a member of the public and THEN tell them you will call 999 tomorrow morning. That will make them have quite a sleepless night. In addition, berate them for their defacing of public property.

(Relatively more cruel than 1, but not quite good 3nough...)

2.5: If the advertiser is a locksmith person, you can tell him that you need him to unlock your door because you lost your set of keys. Better yet you can tell him that you live in Pasir Ris, Boon Lay, Punggol or Yew Tee.. Of course, give a fake address and DEFINITELY USE A PAY PHONE PLEASE. Or you'll get reverse-flamed.



3: Call them as a member of CASE. This scene should unfold as such... Let X be the caller and Y be the criminal.

X: Hello?
Y: Arh?
X: My name is Chong Ben Soon (Make up your names, the sky's the limit) and I am from C. A. S. E. I am investigating a claim made against you that you have willingly vandalised the Lavender MRT Station (example.) May I have your address, please.
Y: Uh..
X: If you hang up now, I will approach the Superintendent to triangulate your number and police cars will move in immediately.
Y: What do you want with my address ah
X: I want to get patrol squads to move in. Either way, you will be tried in full court for vandalism. Look out your window.
Y: (looks out the window, but sees nothing ofyour bluff).
X: Police cars are moving into your location in 5 minutes. I advise that you change your number AND start running for the hills now if you want to keep your liberties.
Y: (Hangs up).

With enough luck, he'll start running. If he calls your bluff, then you have no choice but to go to Plan IV:




4: The numbers can be used against them. First though, you should call their number and make sure that the person you are calling IS THE person

For example, if the advertisment says "Ms Goh wishes to rent out a flat to anyone and her number is 93444444" then you should call the number and make sure that IS a Ms Goh, so that no one works against your OWN plans..

Here comes the second part.

"Cheap Renting Out Of Flat! Call Ms Goh at 9344444!"
Repeat this as many times as you wish down the paper. Then print it out. Cut out each section so you should have about a good number of at least 10 pieces.


Attach Blu-Tack or tape or even glue to the back of each section.

Here comes the fun part. When you go out, you have to paste these sections on places which make people TAKE NOTICE. Then you can let other people do the dirty work and FLAME THAT BLOODY WOMAN UNTIL HER HAIR BECOMES COAL. (or until she has to change her number). Do remember that you have to make sure the number you intend to flame is indeed the advertising number and not someone else pulling a prank on us all.

Here are some examples:

- Places Of Worship
- Places Of Interest
- Right outside the Police Station
- On MRT
- On the bus
- Parliament House
- Community Centres (but make sure its outside the GM's office or something).
- Gangster Hideouts (well, if you can get close, good for you)
- Generally, you want places without these advertisments already in abundance, and at places where A-SAOs like my dear Iron Fan will call them up on virtue of public spiritedness. This includes many shopping centres.

I realize that in this course I am vandalising shopping centres. You can just make the notices with a little BLu-Tack, then they'll remove easily without any stain, and the woman will STILL get the backlash after effect- innuendo.

That concludes Plan 4. There is an upgrade to Plan 4, called Plan 4.1:

4.1: Advertise Sex instead of housing rentals for the persons involved. Sticking it on Places Of Interest and Places Of Worship is very, very, very, cruel.

Do You want a night of love with me and my sisters? Call 9344444 for an appointment now. $50 for a foursome. Toys and "Joysticks" included.


This ensures that two groups of people will continually spam her number:

Chee-Ko-Pehs as the Hokkien say it, or Dirty Old Men ( and very stupid dirty old men to believe such an advertistment if you ask me)

People Of AUTHORITY to arrest them.

Vitr.

That will do it for this edition of Bong. I hope you can use the plans outlined to the FULL EFFECT. Let the BONG followers be blessed with high intelligence and enough wickedness to bestow upon those who willingly vandalise our public places of TRANSPORT the full consequences of their dastardly miscreantic actions.

Bye!

posted by the_dr3@m3r @ 6:00 PM 0 comments

The Renovation, Part 1

Today is the day before all exams terminate.

And I'm one day early from my tour of Outer Tanzania, but then again, it was a bit too hot there. And I thought it was winter in Tanzania.

The legality of Doctor Bong has been questioned repeatedly. To address your concerns, the first step is to remove all names mentioned BEFORE.

Henceforth, Doctor Bong exists only in a PERPENDICULAR universe and exists because of a disposition in the nylon fabric of the space-time "funnel" that most of us go through. It is because of this that SOME real events MAY be slightly distorted in my Diary.


My name will remain as Dr. Bong Bullard Samy.
My Deputy Principals have new c0d3-names. And they have numeric codes, too! You need a few literary backgrounds to understand them, namely Sun Wukong, Harry Potter and a bit of Water Margin. They are arranged in order of importance.

------------------------------------
053: The Iron Fan
148.5: Ms Chang's Mum
666: The Ink Of The BlackBoard (or The Product Of The Barbecue)
832: Sallow-Faced Brute
------------------------------------

And my discipline master - (the spanking remains bold, and the whipping and handcuffs remain freshly etched on my flesh)

I mean the STUDENTS' discipline master remains as Bonger.


Let me give you a light snack before I whet your appetite tomorrow. This is loosely based off a true story that actually DID happen in this universe.

I bought a canned drink of Coca-Cola off the vending machine. Stupid $1. What I did was to make the $1 magnetic, and then use a EXTREMELY strong magnet to draw out all the change.

Moving on, I found that I was in a bit of a hurry to get back for dinner.
But then, I needed to catch a bus home. But the Super Bus Salutation Company doesn't allow drinks. What to do then?

Swiftly, I drank up half the can, then I chanced across this small patch of elevated grass. It was elevated such that I could look onto it, but I could not lift my leg onto this platform.

Ants live in grass habitats.
I poured a small amount of the coke onto this small concrete "walkway" just beside the grass.
Ants are attracted to sweet things.

From all corners and crannies did the ants come! I had no idea so many existed. And as if ants weren't enough there were all sorts of jungle objects like caterpillars and mosquitoes that also heeded to pay this museum of sorts a visit.

I felt a certain viciousity. That does not mean I am thick.

Previously after having a kickabout with my staff, I had left a half-eaten mooncake in my snackbox at the goalposts. 20 minutes later when I wished to finish it up, I was sorely disgusted as the lunchbox was teeming with ants. About 40++ had decided to infest my lunchbox. Of course I drowned the lot in some dilute H2S04, but the ants had cost me half a mooncake, and I would never forget that debt.

As one ant approached the puddle of carbonated drink, I scraped the bottom of the can against the concrete platform, moving it all the way towards the ant and with a little stopping distance to boot. The ant was crushed beneath the can and half of it remained on the bottom while half was stuck on the concrete platform.

In that moment, one life ceased to exist.

Truly, a tragedy which Shakespeare would have been proud of. He would have been even prouder that I massacred 34 ants, 2 mosquitoes and 3 beetles before my bus arrived.

Let this be a warning to you:

If you see another person dead a distance away, don't walk to him.

posted by the_dr3@m3r @ 4:35 AM 0 comments