The Dairy of Doctor Bong

WASSSUP!

A full week has passed since I last updated the Dairy Of Doctor Bong. I have recently been preoccupied with other matters including the rugby finals and my joyous affair with Bongar. I have now renamed Lencho as Cholen.

I was also able to meet my good acquaintance from the marine life, Seaking, who recently returned from Australia to catch some delicious Singaporean salmon. Salmon with Norwegian herbs and Chilean oyster sauce is excellent.

Ah the rugby finals! What an exhilirating expression of liberties and gay orgies. I am glad to say we soundly defeated our ARCH rivals Faffles Institution 15-10

LOL PWNED

and thus I held a very tense discussion with the other DPs about whether to hold a holiday. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Our rugby team has done very well in the finals yesterday.
Fann: I agree, my dear.
Lencho: But curry puffs are not in the rage.
Fann: What?
Yvette: So what shall we do about this?
Char Siew: It is customary to have a holiday after a victory in rugby finals.
Fann: Ah yes but we could have had another holiday if our other rugby team had won THEIR finals.
Lencho: The 'B' Div rugby team has already worked very hard.
Fann: I slap you ah, I could run faster than any of those jokers.
Lencho: Are you willing to take that bet?
Fann: Not only that, I could kick the ball in between those long spikes they call goalposts from halfway across the field.
Char Siew: Are you willing to take that bet?
Fann: Not only that, I could run from one end of the field to the other and you can have the whole rugby team try to stop me. But with my ninja wizardry and my powers of deception and speed, you will try as hard as peas.
Yvette: Peas?
Char Siew: I like peas. I eat them with honey.
Yvette: I prefer seafood dinners.
Lencho: So how much will you wager, Ms Curry Puff?
Fann: I will wager my love for Bongar.
Me (rather tensed): The point is, are we going to have a holiday? And if we do, when?
Lencho: I think Monday is a good idea. We'll be rather tired on Sunday night, won't we (nudges me).
Yvette: Another option is Friday because that day is the shortest.
Char Siew: But Friday is the day for all the UYOs.
Char Siew: Do you really want to have the UYOs cancelled?
Yvette: Yes. I hate Scouts.
Char Siew: ..
Fann: In any case I think Monday is a horrendous idea (stares straight at Lencho).
Fann: Monday is a VERY L O N G day and with the exams SO CLOSE! we must be vigilant and not waste valuable lesson time.


At this point, a caterer comes in with a few trays of food, sets them on the table, and leaves.


Fann: MMM I love curry puffs!
Char Siew: MMM I love char siew!
Yvette: MMMM I love chendol ice cream!
Lencho: MMM I love you, my dear Doctor Bong.
Me: I would love a holiday.
Char Siew: Caterer! CATERER! I need more salt, please.
Yvette: Not enough salt?


After much eating and scrumptious reagents being made, the meal is over.

Lencho: Out to the field.
Fann: What?
Lencho: Time to see if your bet takes form.

- At The Field, 1000 Hours, Thursday -

The rugby team from the B division is ready. When they see what their "challenge" is, they burst out laughing in fits all over the field.

Fann: Get me a swimsuit.

- At The Field, 1005 Hours, Thursday -

Fann is dressed in a swimsuit.

Lencho: Challenge no. 1 is that you can run faster than any of these jokers.
Fann: Send three of your best men, I'm not scared.

- Rugby captain, still smirking, sends three of his worst men. -

Lencho: Let the race begin. This is a 200m race, first across wins.
Char Siew: Beep!

And they're off. At first, it seems that Fann has a very slight lead. But once the rugby players take their eyes off the road and on Ms Fann "Curry Puff", they laugh so hard their dentures fall out and they cannot continue the race. As a result, Fann wins this challenge.

Rugby captain loses half of his smirk. Now looks like the Joker in Batman.

Lencho: Still two more challenges. Challenge no. 2 is to kick the ball in between the goalposts from the halfway line.

Fann (still in swimsuit) walks to the halfway line, and readies herself. The ball is placed in the exact centre of the pitch, and one of those little egg cups is also placed below it.

Lencho: Are you ready?
Fann: KooliM.A.Caladia.
Lencho: Let challenge 2 proceed. You may begin when you wish.

Fann stretches her tendons, her thighs and her calves, but is chased off by the mother cow.

Fann readies and walks 10m back from the ball. The rugby team watches, tense, silent.

BOOT!

The ball flies off. Fann's boot and her sock flies off. The egg cup flies off, and Fann does a cartwheel in mid air and lands flat on her breasts.

I mean face.

The ball bounces down about 30m from the goal line. The boot lands 35m from the goal line, but owing to a very strong wind, the sock is impaled on one of the goalposts. The egg cup lands on the other.

Fann frowns. But wait! The ball is 30m from the goal line in the opposite direction. It has gone through!

Fann smiles. Lencho looks aghast. The rugby team are in fits of laughter. Char Siew is snacking on a bench nearby. Yvette is swimming. I am fidgeting with my tie.

Lencho (regaining her composure): The third challenge is to run from one end of the pitch to the other line and score a touchdown with the whole team trying to stop you.

Fann walks to one side of the pitch and takes the ball. She is ready as ever.
The rugby team, a set of very masculine and strong men, takes the pitch in their usual formation. No more jokes. Maul the DP1 if you have to. Gore her.

Fann begins her run. She stalks to the left. Three players run at her, but Fann being so thin stops her run and they all fall behind and in front her. She continues her run.

She is now runninng straight at four rugby players, two of which are national players. But a roll and a dodge means they all miss her and land in a heap. She turns and smiles at the pile of players when suddenly

OOF!

A quarterback has just gored her from the right. She flies a full 5 metres before dropping. But she is still holding on to the ball. The quarterback, having knocked his head against her tailbone, is knocked out.

She regains her stance, and begins running. She is now passing the halfway line.

With a skip and a turn, she evades two more. Using the ball as a weapon, she knocks out another. She is now only 10 metres from the goal, but there are still 10 players in her way.

Suddenly, a gust of wind streaks across the rugby field. The grass ripples and Fann is taken up and blown from the right side of the field to the left side where there is no cover. The rugby players being so MANLY AND MASCULINE are unaffected by the wind, but they immediately sprint to the other side of the pitch.

The stars in the air are frosted. They glance down at the spectacle.

At this point, the sock begins falling from its place on top. It lands in the face of the leading half-back, and he falls to the ground, blinded. Three more who are tailgating him are promptly tripped. The otheres have to take a detour around the pile..

Fann is getting ever closer, only five metres now, but on the far side of the pitch.

The egg cup begins flying across the pitch. Gradually, it gains speed until it turns from a frisbee to a hyperpowered and caffeinated frisbee. It is now hurtling straight at the goal line where Fann plans to land. Currently three entities are now rushing at that point: Fann, Frisbee and the 6 rugby players.

Who will reach there first?

Fann and the rugby players reach there at the exact same time. They go for her, they spear her from the side and she is violently and shockingly knocked all the way to the side, almost to the touchline. If it goes out, she will lose because she has no one to pass to.

She is in mid air, flying towards the tuochline and the goal line. It seems she will reach the goal first, but the egg cup suddenly comes in -

hits the third rugby player -
ricochets -
and slams into Fann in the head. Poignantly.
The ball flies limply from her grasp, dropping 20 cm away from her arms. She reaches desperately for it - and misses.
The ball drops. No touchdown.





- Back at the Admin Office, 1030 Hours -

Lencho: Are you satisfied with their performance now?
Fann: No.
Lencho: You owe me $50.
Me: So will we have a holiday?
Fann: Yes.
Lencho: No.
Char Siew: MMMM!
Yvette: Koolimakaladia.


Of course in the end, we decided to have a holiday on Friday. But Lencho had to be force-fed some Subutex to agree, because it was nearing midnight and no conclusion had yet been reached. Char Siew will have to watch her weight. And Bongar -

Bongar my love, return to me.
The winds have carried you far.
The tides have swept you away.
But the meandering river shall forever lead to I.


I do miss you now. Char Siew is no longer as hot as she used to be.
Her char shao bao was frozen.
Yvette, Lencho and Fann cannot compare to you.
You, my love, are molten.






Till next time, warm goodbyes from the office of Doctor Bong. I hope you have enjoyed this especially long feature, it took me a full 35 minutes to type. Try and spot the 5 references to a few people I have made.. post if you know them.

Shoutout to brien, edwin, you jin khoo, louie and my kel.
Doctor Bong, out.

posted by the_dr3@m3r @ 4:18 PM