Questions litter themind.
Who is Kavametric?
It sounds like Norweigan-Hebrew.
$100 bong dollars to this Kavametric person to identify himself.
From his blog, I discern he is another loyal follower of Bong's Crusade.
Let me give you something straight from the heart.
The secondary education scene in Singapore is being overwhelmed by the Book Power of Faffles and Fwa Chong Finstitution. And there are many pretenders to Le Grande Throne, such as Funman High and Fictoria. And let's not forget Fever Valley.
among all the chaos.
there will be a figure we can rally to.
a hero.
we will grab on the wings of eagles
and the hero will watch us fly away.
We must strive through the pandemonium these abysmal porters have caused us. WE MUST NOT LOSE HOPE! There will be a new school for the 2nd decade of the 21st century.
While on that point, I am thinking of centering the school around me and my faitfhul Dps to better reflect who has put in the MOST amount of work into this school.
No one can hold a candle to me, not even a pyrotechnician.Bonglo-Cholense Fool (Fanndependent)
A new school for Worshippers Of Bong. This school will also be the first to offer chapel services centred around the religion of Bong, which practises fascism and dictatorship as its moral values.
Time for a new section of this blog titled, Confucius Say!
Confucius Say: Man Who Stand On Toilet High On Pot
Confucius Say: Man Who Stand On Mountains High On Crack
Confucius Will See Jew Next Week With More Pun Ishment.
I will also introduce a new system for measurement which will be implemented in ACS in Term5:
90.9kg = 1 Fann
600 degrees Celsius = 1 Cholen (forbeingsohawt)
1 block of wood = 1 Bongar
Energy required to lightup a supernova = 1 Bong
Energy required to light up a block of wood = 1 Fafflesian
I'll think of more soon, you loyal nipples, you.
1 block of wood = 1 Bongar
Amount of energy to light up a supernova = 1 Bong
Mature Angst
Sniff.
Today Fann slapped me on the right cheek. When I stumbled into the female toilet by mistake Cholen slapped me on the left cheek.
I'm so depressed.
Why are my DPs so cruel to me?
I think I might consider slitting my left testicle to relieve the pain.
M0RRNING
Ah it is nice to see loyal followers to Doctor Bong's Hemisphere.
I mean Blog.
The Moe Project went without a hitch. So now the Minister is stranded 10,000 miles away in the Bermuda Triangle with some daily rubbish and silicon chips.
Some of you may not know this.
But standing at the flag poles every morning during assembly
aghegm
ahem.
i must compose myself.
Standing at the flag poles every m-
MORNING
during assembly
and shaking the hands of prizewinners so many
and having the national anthem and the pledge blasted into your ears every day
is fun
But, being so near to 7 long, smooth and protruding flag poles
it just turns me on.
Ah what I would give to do Elvis' Pelvis to the flag pole between the school flag and the national flag. Every morning, I have to put my hands in my pockets and grab tight or my pants will spontaneously burst.
Moving on.
I actually own a bar down at Clarke Quay, it is called
Bong's Happy WangLand.
I offer 3 (three) (tiga) (san) (square root of ernbader) specialized and unique shakes.
The Cool Groove - a mixture of lemon, lime, sugar, salt, pepper and cervical mucus.
The Cholen - dedicated to my very own. Guava, watermelon, durian and parmesan cheese is put in a blender and mixed. Then some mild explosives are put to line the mixture and a match is lit. My patrons have expressed happiness at seeing it go up in flames. The warmly but not overdone roast is then served with chili.
The B.O.N.G - This is my pride and my ecstasy and is a drink I have been working on since my teenage years. And they were oh so hot.
B is for Belly
O is for Ostrich
N is for Neutron
G is for German
I went to the Black Forest 2 weeks ago in Germany and brought back a few German ostriches. Then I SLAYED them and cut their belly out. Then I used a redox reaction to remove their electrons and a botox reaction to remove their protons, leaving only neutrons.
I'm sorry, was that too corny for you?
Yesterday I was feeling really depressed and "angsty" as young people call it. So I wrote a song. And I am glad to share the lyrics of it with you. I have the melody in my head and the lyrics on paper. All I need is a band.
Field Of Stars
(chorus)
There's a field of stars just waiting for you
There's a life of dreams just over the blue
All we have to do
Is soar.
We can fly on our wings even more.
When we met.
You told me that
We would never make it
but i hoped.
And i dreamt of a future
with you in the picture
and me in the frame.
and i flew.
(chorus)
let the angels lift us
gravity you can kiss my ass (stupid editorials)
let the angels fly us
into a field of stars.
All you had to say was yes.
and we could fly..
All i had to do was dream.
into the skies..
(chorus)
you can melt with me.
you can fly with me.
there are castles in the sky
we can reach
Together.
we can spread our wings.
and fly into a field of stars
we can hold our hands
and float into the clouds..
......
(chorus)
And all we have to do
is fall
in a field of stars.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Inspired by a blog.
Okay maybe this post isn't too Bong-ish enough for you loyal subordinates.
I promise to post again tomorrow.
Lalala
This week, the MOE ba-tards are coming to evaluate our school. That is not good, because our school is only dressed up to be good and exemplary. Inherently however, it is weaker than a Fafflesian.
This is why I must commence Project Koolimakaladia, or Project KOOL for short. Here is how it will work, I have already planned it out with my faithful comrade-in-arms.
1. At 0800 hours tomorrow, the Ministry people will arrive. Fann will greet them and bring them to her office for some tea and cupcakes.
(Remember Sun Tzu's 64th principle, make your enemy look at one hand while you're doing something with the other.)
2. At this time, Cholen and Char Siew will be setting 30 stasis traps along the route outside her office. Fann has orders to delay them for as long as possible. She will also add laxative to the tea.
3. Bongar will now do jumping jacks naked in the PE admin office to entertain the PE teachers. Then, I can skimp on their annual bonuses.
4. Yvette will wait along their route to the classrooms at this point with orders to use her stun gun freely.
5. I will be entertaining people at a strip club along Boat Quay.
If all goes well, this should result in
1/3 of them having to spend their visit in our fragrant and delicious toilets, which have trapdoors attached beneath them which will lead to an underground conveyor belt system which leads to the Institute of Mental Health (20 km away in Buangkok).
1/3 of them being stunned by my DP's "imba" stasis traps until 2.40pm, where they will be deposited in a net and put in the garbage truck, which should arrive at 12.40pm on time to go to Woodlands Regional Disposal Point. All garbage at that area is loaded onto a special cargo ship which goes to the Bermuda Triangle every 24th of each month.
1/3 of them being brought down by Yvette's stun gun, and then packed into Bongar's truck, where they will be brought to Changi Prison's High Risk Facility.
The minister himself however will be wearing a Shield Of Spell Immunity that will render him invulnerable to our attempts to dispose of him.
THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP SUCH EVIL MECHANISMS.
The sheer power of Bonger's and Fann's charm, a two-pronged attack, will have him reeling from the blow. Char Siew has kindly agreed to then move in and give him a swift kiss on the nose, which should by all accounts bring him down. We will then put our clone in charge as the new Minister and give ourself all sorts of awards in this position.
As for the Minister himself, we could just dump him in the Johor Straits, but they are too shallow. What we need to do is drop him in Antarctica. To do this, I have arranged for my pilot friend Jonny to bring him to Juzzie Ice Station. Of course, we will put him in a sensorily reduced state for 1 week (at least) and remove his Spell Shield thingamijig. I have also arranged for my hypnotist friend from Mongolia to alter his memory to make it seem like he is a crocodile-and-mouse farmer from Uruguay.
Project KOOL will succeed. My planning is ritualistically coherent. Now however, I must change into my paper bra. Goodbye to you, my loyal subordinates.
Bonger Bong
Updates for my faithful followers:
1. There will be a public caning for someone who sold a $300 game character to a classmate (i think it's maple story) come Monday.
2. Cholen has divorced her long-time mistress Avril.
3. My moustache has grown about 6.3 mm on the left side and 4.3 mm on the right, and 0.5 mm vertically downwards.
4. The grass on the rugby field has been drying. We had to wring dry one of the cleaners to make sure the grass did not shrivel up and die.
5. The field on the higher ground at the PE block has been shrinking, thanks to a new tectonic plate being created under it just 2 hours ago.
6. A volcano is forming in Kalimantan, Indonesia.
7. The contractor has informed me that one of the pillars supporting the IB campus is said to be unsteady.
8. The contractor has informed me that due to one too many mass orgies, his workers are unsteady.
9. Bongar has changed his name to Bonger. How similar to my name! It must be our destiny. When we are eventually married, his name will be Bonger Bong. What a nice ring that has to it.
10. I am henceforth banning all of the following games on tablet PCs:
Dilution Of The Anteaters (DotA)
Chlorine Snakes (CS)
Rings Of Cum (RoC)
Flying Tea (FT)
Drain of Water (DoW)
Cry Of Dick (CoD)
Brittle Fick (BF 2)
and, er, all racing games which include Grand Turinmo, Project Batman Racing, Rodge Racer and OutRan 5 which I'm told just came out.
If I find any such games, I swear I will take off my pants on the spot and piss on your keyboard.
WASSSUP!
A full week has passed since I last updated the Dairy Of Doctor Bong. I have recently been preoccupied with other matters including the rugby finals and my joyous affair with Bongar. I have now renamed Lencho as Cholen.
I was also able to meet my good acquaintance from the marine life, Seaking, who recently returned from Australia to catch some delicious Singaporean salmon. Salmon with Norwegian herbs and Chilean oyster sauce is excellent.
Ah the rugby finals! What an exhilirating expression of liberties and gay orgies. I am glad to say we soundly defeated our ARCH rivals Faffles Institution 15-10
LOL PWNED
and thus I held a very tense discussion with the other DPs about whether to hold a holiday. This is how the conversation went...
Me: Our rugby team has done very well in the finals yesterday.
Fann: I agree, my dear.
Lencho: But curry puffs are not in the rage.
Fann: What?
Yvette: So what shall we do about this?
Char Siew: It is customary to have a holiday after a victory in rugby finals.
Fann: Ah yes but we could have had another holiday if our other rugby team had won THEIR finals.
Lencho: The 'B' Div rugby team has already worked very hard.
Fann: I slap you ah, I could run faster than any of those jokers.
Lencho: Are you willing to take that bet?
Fann: Not only that, I could kick the ball in between those long spikes they call goalposts from halfway across the field.
Char Siew: Are you willing to take that bet?
Fann: Not only that, I could run from one end of the field to the other and you can have the whole rugby team try to stop me. But with my ninja wizardry and my powers of deception and speed, you will try as hard as peas.
Yvette: Peas?
Char Siew: I like peas. I eat them with honey.
Yvette: I prefer seafood dinners.
Lencho: So how much will you wager, Ms Curry Puff?
Fann: I will wager my love for Bongar.
Me (rather tensed): The point is, are we going to have a holiday? And if we do, when?
Lencho: I think Monday is a good idea. We'll be rather tired on Sunday night, won't we (nudges me).
Yvette: Another option is Friday because that day is the shortest.
Char Siew: But Friday is the day for all the UYOs.
Char Siew: Do you really want to have the UYOs cancelled?
Yvette: Yes. I hate Scouts.
Char Siew: ..
Fann: In any case I think Monday is a horrendous idea (stares straight at Lencho).
Fann: Monday is a VERY L O N G day and with the exams SO CLOSE! we must be vigilant and not waste valuable lesson time.
At this point, a caterer comes in with a few trays of food, sets them on the table, and leaves.
Fann: MMM I love curry puffs!
Char Siew: MMM I love char siew!
Yvette: MMMM I love chendol ice cream!
Lencho: MMM I love you, my dear Doctor Bong.
Me: I would love a holiday.
Char Siew: Caterer! CATERER! I need more salt, please.
Yvette: Not enough salt?
After much eating and scrumptious reagents being made, the meal is over.
Lencho: Out to the field.
Fann: What?
Lencho: Time to see if your bet takes form.
- At The Field, 1000 Hours, Thursday -
The rugby team from the B division is ready. When they see what their "challenge" is, they burst out laughing in fits all over the field.
Fann: Get me a swimsuit.
- At The Field, 1005 Hours, Thursday -
Fann is dressed in a swimsuit.
Lencho: Challenge no. 1 is that you can run faster than any of these jokers.
Fann: Send three of your best men, I'm not scared.
- Rugby captain, still smirking, sends three of his worst men. -
Lencho: Let the race begin. This is a 200m race, first across wins.
Char Siew: Beep!
And they're off. At first, it seems that Fann has a very slight lead. But once the rugby players take their eyes off the road and on Ms Fann "Curry Puff", they laugh so hard their dentures fall out and they cannot continue the race. As a result, Fann wins this challenge.
Rugby captain loses half of his smirk. Now looks like the Joker in Batman.
Lencho: Still two more challenges. Challenge no. 2 is to kick the ball in between the goalposts from the halfway line.
Fann (still in swimsuit) walks to the halfway line, and readies herself. The ball is placed in the exact centre of the pitch, and one of those little egg cups is also placed below it.
Lencho: Are you ready?
Fann: KooliM.A.Caladia.
Lencho: Let challenge 2 proceed. You may begin when you wish.
Fann stretches her tendons, her thighs and her calves, but is chased off by the mother cow.
Fann readies and walks 10m back from the ball. The rugby team watches, tense, silent.
BOOT!
The ball flies off. Fann's boot and her sock flies off. The egg cup flies off, and Fann does a cartwheel in mid air and lands flat on her breasts.
I mean face.
The ball bounces down about 30m from the goal line. The boot lands 35m from the goal line, but owing to a very strong wind, the sock is impaled on one of the goalposts. The egg cup lands on the other.
Fann frowns. But wait! The ball is 30m from the goal line in the opposite direction. It has gone through!
Fann smiles. Lencho looks aghast. The rugby team are in fits of laughter. Char Siew is snacking on a bench nearby. Yvette is swimming. I am fidgeting with my tie.
Lencho (regaining her composure): The third challenge is to run from one end of the pitch to the other line and score a touchdown with the whole team trying to stop you.
Fann walks to one side of the pitch and takes the ball. She is ready as ever.
The rugby team, a set of very masculine and strong men, takes the pitch in their usual formation. No more jokes. Maul the DP1 if you have to. Gore her.
Fann begins her run. She stalks to the left. Three players run at her, but Fann being so thin stops her run and they all fall behind and in front her. She continues her run.
She is now runninng straight at four rugby players, two of which are national players. But a roll and a dodge means they all miss her and land in a heap. She turns and smiles at the pile of players when suddenly
OOF!
A quarterback has just gored her from the right. She flies a full 5 metres before dropping. But she is still holding on to the ball. The quarterback, having knocked his head against her tailbone, is knocked out.
She regains her stance, and begins running. She is now passing the halfway line.
With a skip and a turn, she evades two more. Using the ball as a weapon, she knocks out another. She is now only 10 metres from the goal, but there are still 10 players in her way.
Suddenly, a gust of wind streaks across the rugby field. The grass ripples and Fann is taken up and blown from the right side of the field to the left side where there is no cover. The rugby players being so MANLY AND MASCULINE are unaffected by the wind, but they immediately sprint to the other side of the pitch.
The stars in the air are frosted. They glance down at the spectacle.
At this point, the sock begins falling from its place on top. It lands in the face of the leading half-back, and he falls to the ground, blinded. Three more who are tailgating him are promptly tripped. The otheres have to take a detour around the pile..
Fann is getting ever closer, only five metres now, but on the far side of the pitch.
The egg cup begins flying across the pitch. Gradually, it gains speed until it turns from a frisbee to a hyperpowered and caffeinated frisbee. It is now hurtling straight at the goal line where Fann plans to land. Currently three entities are now rushing at that point: Fann, Frisbee and the 6 rugby players.
Who will reach there first?
Fann and the rugby players reach there at the exact same time. They go for her, they spear her from the side and she is violently and shockingly knocked all the way to the side, almost to the touchline. If it goes out, she will lose because she has no one to pass to.
She is in mid air, flying towards the tuochline and the goal line. It seems she will reach the goal first, but the egg cup suddenly comes in -
hits the third rugby player -
ricochets -
and slams into Fann in the head. Poignantly.
The ball flies limply from her grasp, dropping 20 cm away from her arms. She reaches desperately for it - and misses.
The ball drops. No touchdown.
- Back at the Admin Office, 1030 Hours -
Lencho: Are you satisfied with their performance now?
Fann: No.
Lencho: You owe me $50.
Me: So will we have a holiday?
Fann: Yes.
Lencho: No.
Char Siew: MMMM!
Yvette: Koolimakaladia.
Of course in the end, we decided to have a holiday on Friday. But Lencho had to be force-fed some Subutex to agree, because it was nearing midnight and no conclusion had yet been reached. Char Siew will have to watch her weight. And Bongar -
Bongar my love, return to me.
The winds have carried you far.
The tides have swept you away.
But the meandering river shall forever lead to I.
I do miss you now. Char Siew is no longer as hot as she used to be.
Her char shao bao was frozen.
Yvette, Lencho and Fann cannot compare to you.
You, my love, are molten.
Till next time, warm goodbyes from the office of Doctor Bong. I hope you have enjoyed this especially long feature, it took me a full 35 minutes to type. Try and spot the 5 references to a few people I have made.. post if you know them.
Shoutout to brien, edwin, you jin khoo, louie and my kel.
Doctor Bong, out.
Madere
Good morning students and teachers ONCE AGAIN!
It has been a long time since I saw your beautiful faces. I may add that - I am no paedophile because I am already a zoophile. And I like my Fantastic Four.
Ah, my love affairs are a complicated situation. But let me confide in you, my repartees, my departure from my professional life:
On Monday, I see my dear Fann Curry Puff Hair Style.
On Tuesday, I see my dear Cholen.
On Wednesday, I see my dear Hock Char Siew.
On Thursday, I see my dear Yvette.
On Friday, I see my dog.
On Saturday, I see Bongar. But that is STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL, DAMN YOU.
Sunday is my rest day.
I look forward to my Saturdays the most.
This upcoming National Day is in a complete disaster. Bongar's planning has been frenetic and generally terrible. And tomorrow I have to massage the GuestOfHonour's nipples otherwise he will "dao" my ceremony. And i cannot afford that.
But his nipples are hairy like the Black Forest in Germany. It's a jungle. I hear that his wife regularly has to take a pair of scissors to release herself because her hands got knotted in his chest hair. His chest hair is more coagulated than superglue.
Enough said on the GuestOfHonour.
Erm.
Ah yes.
This Friday is the Cross-Country. I do not understand why it is called Cross-Country when we are only running around a stupid reservoir in Macritchie. Cross Country would rightfully be from Changi to Tuas. Huh. What a load of cheapskates.
But it is my dearest Char Siew's decision. Little Cream Puff! I cannot stay mad at her. For her great "services" in the last 35++ years, I have written a short poem. Let me narrate it to you.
Her eyes, they are luminous.
Her cheeks are barbecue-red.
Her mouth is tantalising, almost delicious.
Char Siew, I miss you.
My students will recite this poem mass-style tomorrow morning. Surely her cheeks wil truly flush a brick red then.
Madere. Doctor Bong, signing out.
